“Allison, I’m so sorry I treated you like crap. I’m so
sorry. My favorite cake is tiramisu! T-I-R-A-M-I-S-U!”
“Ok Penny. Ok. Stop whining.”
“I have an issue.”
“Ok Penny. Ok. Stop whining.”
“I have an issue.”
“About your birthday? I thought we discussed that.”
“Jake said he loved me.”
“WHAT?”
“Jake said he loved me.”
“How?”
“Allison, we were talking about birthdays and he’s like, “Yeah, we all care about you, GOUDA loves you, Ally loves you, I love you too.”
“Hmm interesting.”
“Jake said he loved me.”
“WHAT?”
“Jake said he loved me.”
“How?”
“Allison, we were talking about birthdays and he’s like, “Yeah, we all care about you, GOUDA loves you, Ally loves you, I love you too.”
“Hmm interesting.”
“What do you think he meant?”
“I think he means he loves you. What did you say?”
“Uh….”
“I think he means he loves you. What did you say?”
“Uh….”
“HAHAHA, congratulations Penny.”
“I really don’t think that’s how he meant....”
“I really don’t think that’s how he meant....”
“Or you could be
falling in love!!!!!!”
“God. Ally. God. Ally…..Ally. GOD. I gotta go.”
“Call me when you get the ring!”
“God. Ally. God. Ally…..Ally. GOD. I gotta go.”
“Call me when you get the ring!”
Jake called me the next Friday.
“I’m calling you! Hi Penny.”
“Ok what’s up Jake?”
“There’s some amateur comedy show slots at Ally’s college for next Friday. I think you should do it.”
“What? I don’t know how to be funny on command. You think you can just press a button and be funny? Like I have a button like that? Like it’s my belly button or something? Like it’s red?"
“Ok what’s up Jake?”
“There’s some amateur comedy show slots at Ally’s college for next Friday. I think you should do it.”
“What? I don’t know how to be funny on command. You think you can just press a button and be funny? Like I have a button like that? Like it’s my belly button or something? Like it’s red?"
“No. You have to do this. You’re life is friggin hilarious.
You need to get off some steam. And it will be fun.”
“’My-life-is-frig-ing hilarious.’ First of all, thank you dearly for your infamous tact. Your insulting love is appreciated, much so. But I don’t know Jake. I don’t know if I want the dook show that’s my life to be on display.”
“I think you’d feel a bit better about your birthday if you could laugh about it. If you win that’s $200 in your pocket, easy.”
“’My-life-is-frig-ing hilarious.’ First of all, thank you dearly for your infamous tact. Your insulting love is appreciated, much so. But I don’t know Jake. I don’t know if I want the dook show that’s my life to be on display.”
“I think you’d feel a bit better about your birthday if you could laugh about it. If you win that’s $200 in your pocket, easy.”
“You really think my plight is worth $200?”
“Your ‘plight’ is priceless.”
I paused. “I’ll think about it.”
I paused. “I’ll think about it.”
Ok so I decided to do it. I decided to make everyone feel
better about their lives by getting on stage and making other people laugh
about how screwed up my life was.
Gouda, Allison, Jake, Mom, Dad, little brother Skip, Hef,
and some friends from high school came to see me—ahem, laugh at me, and I was
really nervous. But before the show I tripped and everyone pointed an laughed,
and, needless to say, I warmed up to the feeling.
Comedy Bit
“She just turned 18 and is about to take on the world as the
next big entertainment journalist of our time. In her spare time, though she
loves hanging out with friends and cracking jokes with timely wit and sarcasm.
She loves Avril, Britney, Madonna, and all the pop greats, and thinks that O-Town
should have stuck it out for the long haul, presenting, Penny S. Cilpen!"
*Hoots and hollers, standing ovation
Wow guys, you don’t have to stand up. I didn’t say anything yet! Give it up for my friends, who convinced me to come up here and make fun of my life. Especially Jake, my best friend. Give it up for him! Big up his ego. Go ahead.
Who in here is part of the Class of 2003! Give it up for the
class of 2003 yall! Seriously, I know we are all just as happy as I am that I
made it through the hell that was high school. I gave my watch away after I
graduated. After counting down for so long, I no longer have a need to tell
time. Every time anyone from our class even hears the year 2003, we start
screaming. In the weirdest places too. Every time I see a calendar, it’s like,
“YES!”
“YES!”
Then I hear a voice
going, ‘Penny?’”
“I’m fine, MOM.”
2003 was a milestone, but so was my birthday a few weeks
ago. I’m 18 y’all. I’m legal but I’m not legal. I can drive but I can’t drink.
Hmm.
My birthday this year was one for the books. Let me try to
tell you what happened, and then I’ll laugh vicariously through you, while I
cry a little on the inside. Sound good?
So first off, I, gotta just say it, gotta spit it out. I can
be a brat. I can be a big brat. I’m a woman, and I’ll tell you what I want in
not so many words and have you guess the rest, anyone relate? Mom?
Sorry to call her out, she’s embarrassed, now. But that’s
why I called her out though.
This year what I wanted was a party. But instead of throwing
it myself, I tried to get my friends to throw me a surprise.
I don’t know if any of you guys know what surprise actually
means in the dictionary, but, in a real “surprise,” that’s not how it works.
So I tried to get Jake to throw me a surprise, and he’s a
man with no real sense of memory, so he didn’t know what I want. Maybe I should
just say, he’s a man, so he didn’t really know what I wanted.
Then he had my friend Allison call me and ask me what I
wanted and I flipped out. “How do you not know what I want, haven’t I been your
friend for like 18 years?” This is a conversation about cake, by the way. She
didn’t know what cake I wanted, and she kept asking me and asking me and she
didn’t get an answer, so they got me chocolate mousse.
I like tiramisu.
But I didn’t say that.
I’m a woman, hear me roar!!!!
So they took me out on my birthday, gave me a present and
everything. And I completely wasn’t satisfied. I seriously wanted some type of
Animal House mess to go on. I wanted people being thrown from the stairs, toilet
tissue and streamers in my backyard grass, red cups. Ok, maybe I’m
exaggerating. I just wanted a big bash in numbers. So what I did was, after
that bash, I tried to throw another one.
With the people from my internship.
Now I can say this because most of them at the end of the
summer won’t be continuing on with the company. And boo hoo to that.
So I called like 9 people (yeah I’m bad at planning), 5 said
no, ok we’re doing some math here, so that leaves 4 who said yes. 1 canceled at
3pm that day, one canceled at 8pm that day, one didn’t exactly cancel, but
flaked. She fell asleep, and that leaves one person.
Let’s rewind. Mathwise, that kinda means I should have just
spent the night in my jammies watching reruns of Drake and Josh. But I went out
knowing that two people were going to show up-- and I went.
Anyway, I got there, and I walk to the store, and some rando
guy, here’s the clincher. This is the thing, he didn’t exactly look homeless.
He didn’t smell, he was fat, short, and Teletubby pudgy, wearing a blue tee shirt, and he had a
mushroom hair cut. He said in his scrawny voice, “Got a quarter?”
I’m treading on thin ice, I know it.
He was really close. And hell, I was pissed off and I told
him I couldn’t help him, which really means please get away.
Then he’s like, “I’m sure you got a quarter in that bag of
yours!” And he hits my bag.
This may be the point where I run right?
But I said, “You don’t want to mess with me right now.” Grandeur, right?
But I said, “You don’t want to mess with me right now.” Grandeur, right?
He said, “What are you gonna do?” Edging closer and closer.
And then I did what any smart, sensible woman would do. I
screamed at the top of my lungs. But I really screamed at him, and I looked him
dead in the eye.
And then he backed off.
Thank you, thank you.
So that you would think is the worst part of what happened.
The worst part is what happened two days later, when the girl that fell asleep,
lets call her, Lay-Z-G, comes up to me and says, “You don’t have to treat us
like we all did something drastic to you, it was just a party. I fell asleep.”
You know how it is when you really want to do something, you
don’t fall asleep. Unless you’re a narcoleptic.
When can you not use this excuse?
Weddings. Especially when you’re the bride, groom, or
priest.
Births.
Live TV.
Court.
Your own concert.
The first day of your job.
Come to think of it, you can probably only use that excuse
for surgeries and funerals. I just don’t know about that fall asleep excuse.
Knock on wood I don’t do that tomorrow after saying that.
I said, “You don’t know what happened, I was there waiting
for you guys and a homeless person tried to attack me!”
Do you guys know what she said?
She said, “Wow, at first I felt so bad that I fell asleep and couldn’t make it, but now I just feel sorry for you.”
She said, “Wow, at first I felt so bad that I fell asleep and couldn’t make it, but now I just feel sorry for you.”
Burn.
I know.
So I did what any passive aggressive woman would do, I wrote
her a letter.
Let me take it out. But sike! I’m not going to read it, I’m
just going to show you that I wrote it, and that the contents could all be
summed up with one finger.
Whew.
If there was anything I learned this year, it’s that some
people you can’t make care. And others, you have to let them. And to the ones
that do, you have to care that they do. Also, that quality trumps quantity. And
yes my dog is more quality than some people in life. Shoutout to my dog Saucy,
wherever you happen to be in the house right now….don’t chew on that, and put
it down.
Anyway, my friends are in the audience. I don’t think
they’re heated at me anymore, right? Don’t hold it in! Ok.
My friends know that most of the time I like to relax and
chill when I’m not working, have dinners and do regular hum drum stuff. I could be considered by some to be an introvert.
This whole scenario is centered on me wanting to have a big bash. But really, it seems to be a pull between the introvert and
the extrovert. Introverts and extroverts have always been at odds with each
other. Like, this is a sample introvert vs. extrovert conversation at a party.
Introvert: Sitting on the stairs, drinking water.
Extrovert walks over. “Hey, Intro, what’s up. Are you ok?”
Introvert: "I’m fine, what’s up?"
Extrovert: "You’re not drinking, it’s like you’re not
enjoying the party. Excuse me: DJ turn the music UP! TURN! THE! MUSIC! UP!...Oh
yeah. OH YEAH.”
Introvert: "This is your song I suppose."
Extrovert: "This is my JAM! Ump Tah Ump Tah Ump Tah! You need
to enjoy the party more! Life Is short! Here, have a drink!"
Introvert: "That’s ok Extro, I’ma head downstairs and play some cards, where it’s chill."
Introvert: "That’s ok Extro, I’ma head downstairs and play some cards, where it’s chill."
Extrovert: "You’re such a party pooper. You can go home and
do that! Hey, I spy with my little eye! Someone wants to dance with you!!!!!!"
Introvert: "No, that’s ok…"
Extrovert: "You’ll never procreate and help the world like that! God said procreate! Come here Kennedy.”
Extrovert: "You’ll never procreate and help the world like that! God said procreate! Come here Kennedy.”
Introvert: "Oh no."
Kennedy: "Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy do I see a party pooper!?!?!?!?!?!
We gotta loosen you up!!!!" *Starts dancing uncontrollably*
Introvert: *walks away *
Extrovert and Kennedy: Weird!
So this next situation is more in the introvert’s element: a
music debate over dinner.
Introvert 1 “Yeah Natalie Merchant vs. Alanis Morissette.”
Introvert 2 “Natalie Merchant all the way. Her voice just gives you chills.”
Introvert 3: “There is NO way you can put Natalie Merchant
over Alanis Morissette. Talk about hits alone!”
Introvert 1: “They both did their thing. What do you think,
Extro?”
Extrovert: What? *wakes up…*
Extrovert: What? *wakes up…*
Introvert 1: Natalie Merchant vs. Alanis Morisette.”
Extrovert: "I like KISS. Is this like, a book club?"
Extrovert: "I like KISS. Is this like, a book club?"
Introvert 1: "What exactly do you mean by 'book club?'"
Extrovert: Oh crap. I got a text, it’s Eddie, he’s in
trouble. I’m so sorry I gotta… *runs away.*
Introverts 1: Did you sense something was off with Extro?
Introvert 2: Interesting.
Maybe a Kumbaya session would help.
Maybe a Kumbaya session would help.
Anyway, As you see I quote music a lot. Did I mention I love
my job? Did I mention where I work? I work for Magaman Music, and I am their
sole teen journalist contributor. My parent’s freaked out at the idea at first.
But I told them I have it in the bag, and that was after singing Nelly
Furtado’s “I’m Like A Bird” to them, and they couldn’t handle hearing the whole
thing, so they caved. I’ll take my chances. If anything my focus at being able
to meet famous people who otherwise would take a one in a million chance to
meet makes me a good candidate to play lotto. It’s a good start to all the
things I want to do. I get to interview them, I get to write about pop, which I
love, and I get to be around a bunch of industry cats who can eerily all carry
a tune pretty well themselves.
We need to get them all in a video and have them sing cover
songs. That’d be great, and then at the end of the video Kelly Clarkson can
offer them a record deal. I bet some of them can blow her out the water.
Lets make all musicians the record label heads and the
record label heads musicians. Madonna can be A&R!
It’s been fun, guys. Thanks, tip your waitress.
Penny won the comedy show contest prize, which was $200. She gave half the money away, and saved the other half. --GB
Did you enjoy this installment of Penny S. Cilpen? Want more? Hold on, there is a deleted conversation coming up next week.
Thanks for reading Penny S. Cilpen's Birthday Is One For The Books!--GB
